Idiosyncrasies of a Twisted Mind

2009-04-12T17:11:00.002+03:00

It’s nice up here. Winking at the sun as it plays hide and seek with my eyes. The wind running fingers through my hair. Moisture in the air caressing my skin softly. Everything seems so small, and trivial. This isn’t over rated at all. I see what all the fuss is about.

Oh the air smells so delicious. Smells like triumph. I want to fling my arms back and inhale, breathing into my senses all around me, to collect treasures of memories as souvenirs of my journey. I have made myself a home. But I’m not made to live here.

I sometimes find myself seeking traces of a heart beat, when I fear I don’t feel. I’m sure its there. I just don’t need it right now. It’s a warmer place for the oblivious, and I choose to be one.

I take a step closer to the cliff every time I come up here, looking down at the crashing waves, knowing it’s soon going to be time to jump into the stream again. There’s no fear this time. I stand alone, with strawberry bruises on my knees. I’m almost amused at myself and the relentless urge to take the plunge…

..Sigh…Step back Maria. Hmm...not just yet. Maybe another day :)

2007-01-09T03:46:00.000+02:00

It knocks again. An offbeat dawdling knock. A cold uncertain wind creeping from beneath the door. A rising pungent odor of discomforting solitude stocked away. I stand with my back pressed against the varnished wooden door, thinking maybe if I ignore the presence it will just go away.

This Autumn swept by fast. I saw the crimson and chocolate. I felt the breeze tingling my face. But I missed the squeals of fallen auburn leaves being crushed. However, Winter always has a way of making its presence known...

It’s unnerving how people persist to bind their lives within social stratifications. If you’re not the one who took the lead to look down at the other, you’re the one who was sneered at and in retaliation found yourself snugly standing within the same shoes. Why? Where does all the education and religion, we take such pride in, go then? ..It is harder to look down someone’s eyes, or listen and let a few words sink in. For words can lie, and so can eyes. But so can the illusion...that we already know.

Tonight will be a long night. It always is when it’s so quiet. Not the sound of turning crisp pages. Not the thug of a cup of coffee rested on the table. Not that husky whisper. Not that lingering teasing silence after a witty joke... Its just me tonight.

So where do you go from here?
I don’t know.
What does it feel like?
Nothing.
What are you afraid of?
You.
What do you need?
Me.
Can I help in any way?
Just turn the damn music off.

2006-08-07T04:43:00.000+03:00

Last summer quarter has to be the craziest ever....3 nights at Ayesha’s, and all we do is sit in front of a pc dissecting claims, evidence and arguments. Having teaspoons of coffee shoved into my mouth. Emptying Ash’s fridge with Sara. Being up for days on end. Wearing a nightshirt to LUMS. Hysterical laughter fits in lab4. And Bam’s tough love for all! Haha...*sheesh* The dude totally surprises me, you never know what’s going on in his head. And to think I was running around frantically trying to drop this course. There’s a hint of sweetness in the bitterest of chocolates. You sometimes need to be a just little more patient.

All I’ve been doing all summer vacations is fulfill my desires of couch-potatoe-ing endlessly hours on end. Bed to sofa, sofa to bed. I thought I had seen all low budget movies that had ever been made aired on HBO and star movies. However apparently I was wrong.... Going to head for Islamabad for my internship in a couple of days. I’m so excited! I hope we get exactly the kind of work we’re looking for. Lots and lots of it! N its real fun! Eww.. I’m beginning to sound like a bloody workaholic lol..

I hate being sick. I hate being dependant upon someone. Oh and I certainly hate waking up finding myself lying on the bathroom floor! Hahah... I know it’s a weird thought but its an oddly interesting feeling. You’re vision becomes blurry, your senses slowly retrieve and you cant feel anything, no pain no nothing, you can hear a little but you really don’t give a fuck, and the next thing you know your on the ground, and its slowly all coming back. Not that I enjoy it. Allah mian please I so don’t want more lol. Just wierdly fascinated by the dizziness I suppose. I wonder if that’s how you feel when you’re drugged hmm.. My mom’s such a sweetheart :) ..I wish I was less trouble haha.. we’re all such a handful.

I love the weather! Its been raining a lot.. The patter of rain drops. How they form crystals on your eyelashes. The exhilarating smell of moist mud. Trees washed out with various shades of green rejoicing belongingness to the soil they feed off. Jumping in dirty puddles with Hashim and Birjees. Swooshing down a wet slide screaming and struggling to hang on to the sides to keep from falling into the pool of kicharr, within which Hashim awaits with an evil naughty smirk. Birjees’s yummy chocolate chip pancakes!

Its kind of scary being 21. I’ve almost always had my life perfectly figured out, if not too much at least a year ahead. But right now I stand in the field, with the wind in my face, and a sun so blinding I can barely see what’s ahead. It’s distressing as is obvious. However oddly exciting also. There was a time when I would always look five years ahead before taking a step. I've played safe too long now. I don’t want wrinkles under my eyes next time I look at myself in the mirror and ask what if you had? .. It’s ok to take risks. Well calculated, smart risks. But risks nonetheless. The magic ball doesn’t always work. The future is really unseen. The clock doesn’t know how to run backwards. It keeps running ahead, and you need to keep running with it. Taking those decisions, whether they then make you smile or cry, embracing it all without a hint of regret, for through happiness or sadness, you took those steps yourself and on the way learnt how to run and feel alive.... :)

2006-05-13T03:37:00.000+03:00

I caught glimpse of a shooting star today,
Beaming glitter across the sky;
Dipping into the pool of black,
Streaks of life, sucked into darkness to die.

I want to fly sometimes,
Across those very horizons;
But weary of taking that leap,
Don’t know how far, before the journey is done.

Think not when you speak,
I want to know what your soul has to say;
Pause not when you speak,
Let go of that fear your wrapped around, today.

These walls around me I’ve built,
Feel thinner than they look;
Ask me not to break them down,
I see cracks from the last time they shook.

Winter never stays too long here,
But I stand with a frozen heart;
Clutching onto petals, squirming in my palm,
I feel, just sometimes choose not.

If every gesture could not be read,
If every dawn was not followed by twilight;
If it did not matter where we were tomorrow,
I’d smile for you tonight.

2006-02-06T11:06:00.000+02:00

Alive? Or just alive?

I don’t want to feel the breeze. I want to be the wind.
I don’t want a bite. I want the whole cake.

There’s just so much I want to do. But the clock keeps ticking.
Insatiable desires that keep lighting a candle, I put out every now and then, on a quiet autumn day..

I want to stop the incinerating forest from burning. But I wonder what it must feel like to be a swirl of smoke making unsymmetrical circles through the air, smelling of amber burnt leaves.

I've taken huge decisions in life, without always having to turn to someone. But I can simply never decide between coffee and tea.

If we know there always are shades of gray, then why must the answer always be in a yes or no? Words can’t always be taken back once you say them out. I’m not sure how many I have with me anymore...

Freedom of speech, they say. Hah. There are parameters to speech. There are parameters to freedom. And parameters to creativity.. As suffocating as it may sound. It surely matters not how you think. But when what you think, is also to be heard, things get slightly more complicated, for we spill beyond our little bubble of space.

I swing between a guitar, drum kit, pc, and a pile of books.....between friends and family....between I and me.

Its crazy. Almost deafening. But I like noise.
HmmMm.... So lets make some more eh? ;)

2005-12-27T11:38:00.000+02:00

I wish you weren’t so fond of me,
With your mocking cruel gaze;
Who does the sand fool, being turned over,
It seeps through the same hour glass always.

Laughter that crackles,
Revealing the hollow within;
A numbing silence precedes,
An empty noise so deafening.

I thought of you today,
That moment when it felt you didn’t care;
Keep looking back once in a while,
In search of that hiding lonely tear.

I like keeping them to myself now,
As I bleed some more;
A salty stream, bearing some of me, some of you,
Rain seems strangely comforting after a storm.

Cold water tingles over a burning soul,
A piercing mist struggling to break through;
Colours return to the pallet soon,
But you shall forever, remain my blue...

2005-10-26T03:55:00.000+02:00

Moushoo
Skunk
Atom
Orange-lady
Chip-munk
Duh
......familiar?

And then we say we aren’t judgmental.

I write of language discourse and creation of identities, yet just realized how often we ourselves are perpetuators of such discourses….:S…wweEops too much SS lingo? …it gets to you sometimes yes haha…anyways...

I tend to be bad with names. But if you chose not to wear that torturous odor everyday, spare my nose and try using a Fa antiperspirant, attach more recognition to your identity than the cartoon image of a stinky fish skeleton or a used dirty green sock with gray smokey fumes, I might just consider attempting to memorize your damn name!

'N hey it’s not my fault if twenty four parents around the world chose to have kids at the same hour and name all of them Fatima or Ali. Where is you sense of originality? I’d so prefer Rupelstiltskin anyday! ;D ....(no offence to any Fatimas and Ali reading this ofcourse. I know you? I love you... hehe)

Ok…so sometimes you do tend to remember the names too, but it’s just so much easier to give a name that makes more sense to you. It’s actually a favor bestowed upon mankind. Say if a person who’s a real dog in nature, is actually called “dog”, wouldn't that would make life so much simpler for those around, and save those innocent naïve creatures running around from being beguiled by their deceptive identities?

Naming for the sake of analogy is also as legitimate a cause. What can make more sense than the dorrito vs. namak paara theory when trying to illuminate the credentials, and lack of, between two potential interests? Yes that might involve reducing individuals to a level of objectification where they are being compared to a packet of crisps, but hey dorritos are anything but derogatory.

We criticized to death the Akbari-Askari way of thinking in urdu literature classes back in grade eight… yet insist upon doing so ourselves. We consciously believe in ‘shades of gray’, but when it comes to dealing with people they’re either angels or they have the devil in them. The guy you see helping the old lady cross the road goes on to the golden star list and the one that sticks his head out of the window and spits red eow pan slashes on the pwetty walkway next to the flower beds gets to be black listed. One becomes the sweet-uncle and the other the icky-pan-thook-guy. But that’s not the end of it…there is more to them then you know. I never thought of myself as vulnerable and naïve when it came to judging people. But man, I suck at it! :S

I could never understand Manto’s “khol doa”…how those men could be heroes at one end and then in another instance commit the same crimes they were supposedly saving others from. But very recently have realized it happens all around you. Hypocrisy, double-standards, weaknesses......a complex mesh of incomprehensible weirdness.

So the moral of this immoral story is….naming people for the sake of simplicity can end up making you believe, they are that simple.

Beware of the evil within you.

The truth is out there.

For those of you who read this the second time to actually make sense of it, and those of you who do not like dorritos: you are a sad individual, go smash you head against a wall and squish any remains of those brain cells that exist up there…they are useless. *smug smilie*

2005-10-11T23:52:00.000+02:00

I’m usually a very sound sleeper. If you placed a drum kit besides my bed and told pappo saain to play his dhol while dancing upon it, it wouldn’t freaking well wake me up! ....But even I woke up. My bed was shaking crazy. I opened my eyes to shout at my brother who’s most fond of doing so. But it wasn’t him. The chandeliers were swinging above my head. I could hear yelling from my mom’s room. Couldn’t make out much of what was going on besides the word ‘earthquake’.. Oh God, it was a really strong one, is all I thought, thinking it was going to stop any second...but it didn’t. The photo frame lying on my study table lost balance and crashed against the polished wood. That’s when I got up and ran to mom’s room. Mama was holding on to Hashim. We all stood there waiting for it to stop. After a couple of more seconds it finally did. Birjees turned on the T.V. and soon the breaking news of the destruction caused by the earthquake started pouring in on all channels. It was horrible...

The earthquake measured as 7.6 on the richter scale, epicenter 95 kms from Islamabad. It was caused by the collision of the same plates that caused the Himalayas into being....scary.

Two towers of Margallah Apartments have collapsed. I remember passing by them every time, while going to Tayaa abbo’s house, watching people coming to and from. People like you and me. Cracks appeared in the walls of many houses, weak railings fell and glass window panes crumbled. After shocks lasted for a day, and tremors are still being felt.

Some buildings and shops in Lahore also came down, in the Shahalami and other inner city areas. Old buildings like the Lahore Museum have been seriously affected and shut down.

But the worst effected are the northern areas. Azad Kahmir, Muzaffarabad, Balakot, Mansera...entire villages have been wiped out, people buried under debris, as roofs of houses, schools, shops, full of people collapsed..

We had family friends in Muzaffarabad, Papa’s friend and his family. We hadn’t met up too often in the last few years since when everyone got busy with college and work. But we quite recently did visit them, when my uncle died. Images of his wife crying, run through my mind every time I think of them…their nineteen year old daughter who I got a chance to bond with while helping out in the kitchen. She struggled back her tears as she told me how her brother had to leave college to work after their dad was gone .. And now... We still haven’t been able to contact them. I hope they’re all alright....

Landslides have blocked access to all these remote areas. Great obstacles are being encountered in getting aid and rescue teams through. People are sleeping out in the open. There are dead people lying around on the roads. Some have not been identified by any surviving relatives. Many of those identified even cannot be buried due to lack of cloth for kafan and volunteers willing and having the strength to bury another. Epidemics have broken out among the survivors, as they live out in the cold, collected in huge numbers. Supplies that did find their way through amounted for nothing compared to what is needed. People violently broke onto them, fighting one another for a pack of aata,chawal, daal to fill their starved stomachs.

In an interview on GEO a passerby was relating how he saw 21 cars swept down a cliff by a landslide, along with them people sitting inside and those who had left their cars running for escape. I often look down the cliff at the thin stream from way above when we are traveling up north. It gives you shivers up your spine just looking down that cliff. I can’t even imagine what a fall that would be. You would die before the water even touched you...

A lot of aid is coming in, from here and abroad. Britain, USA, Turkey, Kuwait, UAE and lots of other countries have made their contributions. Above all Pakistani’s themselves have pitched in their bit. Rescue teams have been coming in, with hi-tech voice detecting equipment etc, working with the Pakistani army in the rescue efforts. The death toll has risen way beyond 20,000. More than 40,000 have been injured. Alive survivors, continue to be recovered from the ruins, though the number is declining everyday.

I have traveled down these very roads. Been to all these beautiful places now buried under dust. I live in a house just like the one that came down, and study in a building made of the same bricks. This is by far the worst disaster that has ever occurred in the history of Pakistan. Nothing could be worse, besides only it happening to us. It’s really just a matter of geography. We did nothing to deserve what those didn’t. It could have been any of us. Or maybe it was us too....

Quetta has suffered many earthquakes. It wasn’t something alien to us. But isn’t it sad to see we had no infrastructure to manage radar keeping of seismic activity? And where on one side we can spend so much on destructive ‘safety measures’, hoarding everything from nuclear weapons to F16s, we haven’t spent a dime on building up rescue teams. The difference between the amount of sophistication and success of the British teams over ours is out there, so in your face.

Residents of buildings next to Margallah Towers, that had been evacuated, when returned to take with them their belongings saw their locks broken, safes empty, jewellery missing, all stolen. At a time like this? For Gods sake! Who could be that brutal and insanely pathetic enough to fall to that level?! ..

Relief efforts and fund raising is being done by various organizations. The army has set up a collection camp at fortress stadium. They’re doing pretty fine. I see them carrying and packing boxes everyday in the mornings when I leave for LUMS. Schools and colleges are collecting donations. LUMS has formed a LUMS Disaster Relief Fund committee. We are donating our collections to the Edhi foundation, Islamic Relief fund and Red Cross.

An ex-LUMS student has appealed to LUMS to help out at his village at Balakot, which has been completely destroyed. He has given them a list of items gravely needed and directed them regarding what roads to take. A team of 5 students and 1 faculty member (I think) are going with a truck full of supplies, to personally help out. I wish I could have gone *sigh* But they said females would be a liability rather than help, in the face of utter chaos and lawlessness that has broken out in the area *argh* ...Anyways, I wish them a biiiig goodluck! We’r proud of you :) .... I went to LUMS tonight to hand in my donations and help out with the packaging. It was really moving seeing everyone there…Farrukh, Shandana, Miguel, Yasser Hashmi, the LVS, LAS, the rugby team, everyone! All these familiar faces…pleasant and some not-so-pleasant ones, all differences dissolved, putting their hands together, laboring away to finish on time to load the truck, which was to show up any minute. I explained the intricacies regarding the medicines, ways of making home-made ORS and what not, rushing it in 5 minutes, and then helped finish up packing the clothes in separate cartons. Most of the work had already been done. But it felt so good to have actually done something, like non-monetary, proper man-labor kinda work. We’re gonna go around collecting money door-to-door from houses and set up stalls outside restaurants at aftari times to collect donations as well. People spending over 500 bucks on all-u-can-eat Pizza Hut and Freddy’s aftari should go jump into a well if they think they cant spare the cost of a bottle of olives neatly chopped up and placed upon their pizza, or a can of cherries dashed over their huge tutti-frutties.

Do your bit. Please donate generously. Get out on the roads. Do what ever you can! It’s never enough :)

2005-08-26T15:27:00.000+03:00

There was a peculiar silence, after what seemed like eternity. There were people around a mile away from the bark I sat on, their lips moving but their words turning into soft whispers as they floated upon the breeze. The bark lay among a thick cluster of grass at the top of the hill, its heavy weight pushing it into the mud. I stared at a dragonfly in a pool of dirty water formed within a depression in the bark, dipping and struggling to fly as its wet wings held it back. A drop of cold water trickled down my neck, diverting my attention towards the gray sky. It was raining.... You could hear the patter of rain, as it touched the crumpled autumn leaves scattered around, slipping down glistening blades of grass. It wasn’t like the sound of rain water hitting against glass window panes or a heavy pour gushing down metallic streets, but a scuffled patter, that slowly crawls into your soul.

I was far away from the world, but mortality of the moment made my thoughts wander around stepping back into it. I have come along way, but there’s a longer way to go. No matter what storms have shaken this forest, there has always been someone to turn to. However it is soon going to be time to step out of my bubble. I won’t say I’m one of those who have been completely cut off from the real world, complacent and snug in my sanctuary. But I haven’t been more than a distant observer, who can see and feel, yet with only my voice to speak for me... Will I be able to wake up one day, make coffee for myself, put on a warm overcoat and walk down that aisle, wading through the snow with a huge pile of books in my hand? ....I wonder who ‘he’ would be. Do I know him? Am I yet to meet him? Does he like the smell of moist mud when it rains?....

Some things just unfold with time. I’m a dreamer ahan, but not one to sit in waiting, longing for my destiny to reveal itself. The beauty of the dark sky lies in it's enigma... It’s a short life, and I want to taste every moment to its fullest.

The dragon fly made its way to the edge, throwing its wings over a mushroom, sprouting from within the pool of water, pulling itself up. It seemed to be resting after the long strenuous journey, watching the raindrops sparkle as they united with the water forming crystals on the surface. It's gonna fly. I know it still can. It's just the wings..they're drenched. It'll stop raining...soon...

Teenie Twenie

2005-08-03T04:30:00.000+03:00

*WOW* ....that’s the only thing that comes to my mind right now.

The last two days were just amazing...

I thought I’d be extremely excited to be all grown up at twenty, but for some reason, as the time approached there was there creeping mellow sinking feeling.... Somehow the digit 2 in the 20 has this scary feel to it. The feeling of knowing the next few years is the time your are to take some of the most important paths of your life somehow makes your knees quiver...for along with the thrill of the unknown, there is this sense of chilling anxiety. But this isn’t Neverland....and everyone has to grow up.

I couldn’t think of the best way to leave my teenage years behind. Kept thinking of what I’ll do to mark my last teenage day, but then just thought it better to forget about it. Sometimes thinking and planning just spoils it all, more often when there is no right way known.

At times what you can’t think of just comes to you its self. I spent my last teenage day with those two people who I’ve shared some of the greatest moments of my life. Those two people, who I’ve practically grown up with, walked through the sunny and rainy days without umbrellas, those two people who I can trust with my eyes closed. It was just a blast! From the magical drive, crazy talking sessions over coffee, nostalgic fumes, future resolutions, that laugh shared to the shoulder offered. Thanx guys, I had a great time. Love you! Ayesha and Aminah :)

Not a bad transition you’d think, but that wasn’t the end of it. The 2nd was just awesome. I had just woken up and walked out of my room to be greeted by a laryngitis stricken Ayesha yelling Happy Birthday! I was rushed back into the room to change and driven off within ten minutes. The final landing spot was masooms, after a series of most outrageous yet surprisingly effective lies, visits to salons, phone calls, messages I was made to type, and God knows what. As soon as I entered I saw two tables hogged by my most favourite people....the most amazing family and friends anyone could ask for. I was in state of shock, as a illion things rushed through my mind and a huge grin complacently settled above all. Firstly how could I be dumb enough not to get it, secondly how could Birjees and Vicky plan out something like this, thirdly how could Hashim keep it in his tummy and not blurt it out to me, fourthly I spent a whole day with Aminah and Ayesha and never sniffed the fish, and fifthly I never knew they loved me that much :)

From there we went for bowling, and then home for moms yummy home made dinner, all my favs! Shes such a darling she’d even gotten the clothes I wanted to wear on my birthday stitched, and just the way I had in mind. We tried to watch a movie, however I think it’s high time we realize, it is just not possible for us to actually sit and watch a whole movie when we’re together. Come on real life is so much more fun ;)

Dad came back tonight. We’r leaving tomorrow, for a short holiday up north. Its been a long time, and holidays are the only time when you actually get to spend so much time together. It should be fun!

Shall remember the awesome feeling. It’s such a high when you’re stormed with a million messages and phone calls as the clock strikes midnight. I felt most pathetic to have been blessed with the forgetfulness I have, and not having able to do that for so many people. But yes, thankies! All you guys who bothered to send a hi, short birthday wish, to a call, to singing happy birthday on the phone! Haha...it meant a lot to me :)

My presents muahaha! ranged from totally my kinda clothes and perfumes to totally my kinda music ;) ....

I’m the most happy person right now!! I want to flyyy when there’s a purple sky! Swim in the deep blue sea! Dance on a tiger-Lillie like lil fawiees do! Hehe.. Actually I want to go jump off a cliff without a parachute tried to my back! Hah! :D

2005-07-29T04:12:00.000+03:00

I composed my first proper rhythm today! I was sooOo Happy! It had a really pwetty tingling picking in the beginning like stars winking at you, and then went into this fun strumming on the same pattern, the kind that you feel when your jumping up and down on your bed... However my bubble was soon burst with a wonderful comment I got “hahahaha....umm..it sounds like an ice cream truck!”....
Ice cream truck?.. I mean icecream truck?! ...Some people have no taste......taste....argh! Well or overactive taste buds!....ice cream ..*woof*

I watched The Little Mermaid with Hashim again. Awwwiieee I love it! And especially that “under the sea”song Sebastian sings with the lil fishiiEes! ..I used to wish I was a mermaid when I was little. Now I sit and dissect the way women have been portrayed in the cartoon. I mean the woman actually sold her beautiful tail for a pair of legs just for a stooopid boy! I would never sell my tail. Too bad don’t have one. Waisay how do mermaids have kids? :S ...I’v never been able to figure that one out.

I had golgappas. The ganday liberty walay! :D.....Theyr yum, but the ones Birjees makes at home are so much better. Shes such an awesome cook. The kind that can make you feel complexed. The other day I tried to make some hot chocolate, but got a little too creative. It was so karwaa, the kind of thing you give kids to throw up when they swallow a keera or something....*yuck* ...I was told to stick to making the teabag tea I make. Saddening it was but true, the only thing Iv made in the last one year. Iv lost my culinary talents. But what about my chocolate fudge brownies, quiche, and pastas! AAaaAaa.. Mom went and got me registered for a one day cooking class while I was asleep. I guess I shouldn’t complain anymore. Atleast I can cut aam, without molesting them now. Hehe... But vickys still afraid of me when I’m holding a knife, especially if it’s a butter knife..umm....I tried to stab him with one once. lol

It’s past four. I cant sleep till seven again. I just know it. I used to think I’m a bear who needs to hibernate every once in a while, well with a year long winter..*ehm* ....But I’m beginning to think mom’s right. I’m a bat. Oh a vampire one! ..muahahaA

I want to tango!
....You think you can keep up? ;)

2005-07-23T04:18:00.000+03:00

She lay in her bed, staring at the static fan above her, throwing shadows on the wall. There was a book lying upside down next to her, with creamy off-white pages folded and scribbled on. The walls wore memories in cherry and bottle green frames.

A mahogany brown acoustic lay still against the corner, but she could hear music....not of the patter of the rain, not of trees swaying in the wind, not of tiptoeing love, not the thud of grief. It was the music of a soft breeze traveling through the room, carrying with it moments from the last twenty years. The crackle of laughter, the twinkle of excitement in sparkling eyes, those simple words that just stayed with you for unexplainable reasons, the song that kept ringing in your head, that lonely tear that found a way to trickle down no matter how hard held back.

She wasn’t trying to reflect back in time or echo through feelings from the past. Her finger moved in circles twirling a dark brown lock of hair around it. Her mind was devoid of any thoughts, very unlike her. But everybody needs a break.

It was an alienating feeling. Like a drugged happy numbness, where the walls are just painted deep red, and burnt auburn blotches just blend in, over powered by the background.

Her eyelids felt heavier, and she closed her eyes, being engulfed by the nostalgic fragments of life floating about. There was a peculiar feeling of contentment in her heart, as she bid goodnight to all that was, in waiting of morning, and all that will be....

Madness

2005-07-03T18:01:00.000+03:00

The sky is clearer....I can see the stars again
Excess baggage down the drain, neatly folded and packed off to Venus!

The fireplace is lit, and the room is comfortably cozy. There’s mist forming on the glass window pane...I guess its still cold outside...But its ok, I can take it now ;)
I know the way the wind flows and where it doesn’t.
What matters is close, what never should have doesn’t hurt anymore.

Don’t look at the ocean, look at the chilly creek you’re sitting next to with your feet waddling within the currents, filling you with its pattering as it flows over the rocks…and into that river, and sea, and that ocean.....

There is this booOootiful waterfall I saw somewhere in my dreams once...I wish I was there now *sigh* ....But for now life is crazy enough...

Sindee Slickbooty n a shady shaaAdyy barrista ;)
Sexy eyes
Oreo cheese cake
Golden words: Crazy about?
“Time”
Cshang csha schang cshung!

....The wheels keep rolling baby, madness aright ;)

Turn away......I know you saw

2005-06-03T03:27:00.000+03:00

Its quite amusing how sometimes all we have to do to feel better about something is to simply turn away. Being oblivious of it all, comfortably numb.

As waited on a red light the other day, I saw an old man sitting on the green belt on my right. His silver white beard reached for his knees, as he tightly clutched his left ankle, sliding his hands up and down his thin leg trying to relieve the pain. What kind of circumstances would have compelled a person like him to be here, at this hr? Why isn’t he home, tightly snuggled in his bed, or sitting among the warmth of his grandchildren telling them stories? I was looking right into his eyes. He was looking my way, but was blankly staring into midair. His eyes were drenched with sorrows I knew I couldn’t feel through a gaze, holding answers to my questions, answers I knew I couldn’t do anything with. He had lived his life, in the face of all it had in store for him. Maybe he needed money, I thought, as I frantically searched my bag, but only in vain. He didn’t look like a beggar. Had I even had the money, I wouldn’t have known how to give it to him, without hurting his self respect. He seemed like a traveler, on a long journey, a journey that had brought him so far out he didn’t know where he headed for. My stomach clenched as I stared into those daunting eyes, the depth of which had no bounds. Loosing myself in the air of melancholy surrounding, I quickly turned my gaze away. It was comforting, not looking at him anymore, as the traffic light turned green and my car drove past him. That’s when it pricked. Turning away wont make it go away. I might not see him, or feel him, but he still exists and so does the pain I never got to know of.

When you drive over the Jinnah flyover going from Defence to Gulberg to grab a bite off MM Alam, ever noticed the huge billboards with fancy faces painted all over them? I’m sure you have. Ever looked over on the left, at the chaarpais laid over the roofs, the cramped narrow streets, the mesh of gray moving around beneath? Very few bother to. Admiring the richly painted billboards, oozing with life and colour is so much more convenient then looking at these people below struggling in filth and sweat to put food on their tables every night. But you know what? Turning away just wont make them disappear.

Denying the existence of some things takes us further away from what we already cant understand. Well you might be helpless to it, and not be able to do anything about it, but denying is plain shameful mockery. A façade that feeds on oblivion. And oblivion on our reality. But what is real and what is illusion?

Then there are times when we are reminded that some things are better left untouched, unexplored, all layers hiding the truth in tact. We are not always as prepared for it as we may think so. Moreover it never is a one way thing. If we yearn to know, doesn’t always mean the beholder of the key wishes to unlock for us. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. I of all people would know that. Do not expose yourself to the storm, for it has no heart, it just blows away with it shrouded in dust all that comes its way.

I don’t close my eyes to things I cant understand. I try and look within for traces of that which are not apparent on the surface. But when something’s held back, I just move away, but not forget. Who knows someday, someplace, someone might just have the courage and will to tell me why....

Freedom.......has a most peculiar taste to it

2005-05-30T04:31:00.000+03:00

Everyone is still having their finals, making me the only restless soul jumping around the house. So after being glared and cursed at a million times, I decided to take my “noise” outside. The last time I stepped into my backyard would be on Hashim’s birthday when I was da official Dj (I seriously don’t know what eight year olds find so captivating in papichulo. So there, for those wondering....it wasn’t me!).

There is this huge tree there, right next to the little cheeko plant little Hashim again insisted on getting planted. It was around sunset. The tree stood gleaming in the golden light pouring through it, just a little on the top, accentuating the orange and mustard taking over the leaves as they burnt under the sun. Below, the palette blended from an olive to apple green, as the shade became thicker near the ground....It was just amazing.

I’ve always been quite a nature person, but it’s just been so long since I actually got time to breathe and even acknowledge the existence of er…trees. What a killer quarter. But you get such a high when you think of how much you’ve been doing. And not just sitting around wasting your life like many others you see around, rotting in their never-ending tales of gossip and slaughter.

However, now that I do have a break. I don’t know what to do! I’ve eaten at all the restaurants imaginable already. I’ve shopped like crazy. All the heart-to-heart updates done with....umm..so now what? Yes….I have realized. I am not one to sit at home. It is unbelievable how much I carved for a week of simple couch-potato-ing. But now that I have it. I cant do it, bas! ...Maybe its just the fact that it was a Sunday, there was no driver at home, my dad doesn’t trust the world with my driving just yet! *argh* and..hmmm..that should explain it. Now that I think of it. I know what I’m gonna do. Oh come on. How can anyone ever get sick of eating or shopping? ;) hehe

I used to think I’m psychic. But I’m loosing my telepathic powers. They weren’t working today....They cant abandon me. I am most certain, the power shall return. I await thee! *lightening crackling in the background*

Hey. I didn’t ask for it to rain.

Is it the clouds that rain on you? Or you who let it fall upon you and soak you until your just so drenched, you don’t miss being dry? What you were holding back, just washed away with it, all the shadows engulfing the spirit...

....Smell the freedom?

Rejoice the Stained Sky

2005-05-22T02:13:00.000+03:00

Look up
At the sky
Stained with tears
A smirk acclaims
What the fading horizon fears

Do you not hear?
Must I have to resort to words dear?
Do you not see through my eyes?
Or, all spoken were lies?

Laugh out loud
Let the morphine feed on you
But inside your cold
In your vacuum of thoughts, alone

The zephyr exhales
The moist smell of mud
Yes, it rained

That serene stagnant current
After a heavy storm
When you can hear silence
See with you eyes closed
Taste the air
Spirits arose

And me...
I fly among broken feathers
Floating upon the winds
To be delivered to their destinies
Unpredictable seasons
Adrenaline rush
Anxious anticipation
Amber and crimson autumn leaves
Jade meadows
And peaches
...... ;)

2005-05-03T12:02:00.000+03:00

Today was an awesome weather! May in Lahore, but weather like this...absolutely yum! Don’t you just love it when the wind tingles on your face, and blows through your hair?

I’ve noticed weather has a great influence on how I feel and behave. Such weather can either be extremely gloomy and switches you into contemplating mode, or like today a really high wow one, that would make you go totally crazy!

I actually went for my classes on time hehe....Sat outside the PDC on the little green recycled environemntal friendly bench under the tree with Ayesha, Sara, and some other friends, talking about absolutely everything under the blue-gray sky above us :)...Went to hotspot. Oh! Advice for those fond of the waffles, hidden beneath the depths of the extra chocolate syrup I made the guy pour over my scoup of praline, I discovered a new topping today, a small thick black strand of hair, incase you don't savour the taste I advise you scrutinize you food well before devouring what thy plate beholds.... Fixed my switching :D, now onto strumming *argh*, quite the pain it is I tell you, but has revealed yet another extremely funny, peculiar side of me....Its when someone says I suck or I truly feel so, that I just have to do it! And do it bloody well so the shying away cynical ear-to-ear grin can reappear :D

Hmmm...this sounds very different from my previous posts, but hell I just want to talk right now! Everyones asleep and no one interesting enough is online to be honoured with my aimless blabbing, (Maybe everyones studying :S ..*Blegh* no! not today!)....Oh and I want to sing! Really loud! Man I just cant get this wacko song out of my head...

I just cant belieeeEEeeve
It was all a lie!
No man in the moooOon
Just a big light in the sky!
I hear Disneyland...
Might lose Mickey mouse?!
In some giant! Hostile! corporate shake-up!
Tell me it’s a nightmare!
Please wake me up!!!
...Say it isn’t soooOo

I found a book of matches...
from someplace we’ve never been!
How come you hang the phone up?
The minute I walk in!
Last night I had this dream!
That I was losing you..
I woke up! in a cold sweat shaking!
Rescue me my heart is breaking!!

Say it isn’t soooOooo..tell me it’s not true!
Say it isn’t sooooOo..I believe in yoooOuu
Tell me it’s a lie! I don’t need no proof!
Say everything’s alright!..Couldn’t be, not you!
Say it isn’t sooooOo

Superman don’t fly...
They did it all with strings!
Elvis presley died!
They deep fried the king!!
Like some tacky! Cheesy! bathing beauty!
Dancing on the beach in a bad bad movie!!

Say it isn’t soooOo..Don’t give up on me!
Say it isn’t sooOOo..Don’t give up on you!
Get me through the night! ..We’ll make it through
Make everything alright! ..Couldn’t be, not you!
Say it isn’t soooOOooo
(Bon Jovi)

Hahaha.....shyte...mes gone insane...I think I should go stuff myself with some more thai noodles and go to sleep!

Hasta! ;)

2005-05-01T12:48:00.000+03:00

"You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow? ...And what is fear of need but need itself? Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable? There are those who give little of the much which they have...And there are those who have little and give it all. These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty."
-Kahlil Jibran

*Sigh*
Wow...
I love this guy!

Someone asked me today as to what I want to do with my life...I didn't know what to say...there is just so much I want to do. I think I shall try and make a list of things I want to do before I die, would be alotta fun! ...but for now, I think no one else could put it in better words ;)

This time shall never come back...

2005-04-29T00:25:00.000+03:00

*Swooosh*
"Hahaha! Wooohooo!"
He floated through the air. The lime green meadows below seemed brighter, as he fought back his reflexes, trying to keep his eyes open. The rope clinched his ankle tighter, as the fall terminated with a jolt, that brought the world to rest again. Images became clearer, even the mountain he hung by seemed static again. He was alive. His ankle hurt a little, probably got dislocated again. But man was it worth it or what?!
This time shall never come back...

It was way past midnight. She sat quietly next to the stove, in the cold veranda. It was an unusually dark night, but the streetlight nearby illuminated her little spot enough to make legible the book she held in her hands. Exams were right around the corner, she had already received her warnings, and knew if she didn’t clear them this time, her fate was going to be not any different from the rest of her sisters. Even the thought of being married off, at the age of sixteen, to a completely unknown person twice her age, was nauseating. This was the only time of the day she could have to herself, when her mind would be at ease, when she didn’t have to think about any clothes to be washed, dinner to be cooked, water to be brought from the well. It was her hour of the day. She sat there on the cold porch completely absorbed in the savior she held in her hands, reading voraciously. She knew..
This time shall never come back...

She opened her eyes, struggling to catch a glimpse of where she lay, as the strong light poured through her eyelashes forming stars on the tips. She felt a familiar touch. He held her hand between his.
“Hey” He forced a smile upon his dry lips.
“Hey! Argh. And here we are again....haha”. Her eyes were as bright as always, with that eternal twinkle of hers.
“Why do you do this to yourself? When you know your not well. For Gods sake don’t be so hard on yourself. You should have told me, I would have taken the kids shopping. You know the doctors said your not suppose to overexert yourself...”
She kept looking at him as he went on and on.
“I know I don’t have too much time...but I want to live the little I have, like everyday is my last day”. Her eyes were filling, but she still seemed happy.
This time shall never come back....

They sat back, as the wheels rolled over the never ending road. The heavy guitaring played on their eardrums and cigarette smoke filled the car. They couldn’t see any turning. The road seemed to be blending in with the horizon.
“You ever taken this road before?”
“Nay!”
“Know where it goes?”
“Nopes”
“Nor do I..”
“You wanna turn back?”
“Hell no!”
There was an outburst of laughter, as the two of them continued on yet another one of those aimless drives into nowhere, that seem so meaningless yet leave the best memories to look back at.
This time shall never come back...

He opened the door to the empty apartment. A stale static air filled the room, greeting him with walls upon which no faces hung, quiet passageways where no shadows moved about, and dim lighting, enough to see yourself in the mirrors, not only on the outside, but on the inside. He was alone. Every joint in his body ached, from working all day. But there was a sense of fulfillment. He would soon be able to afford paying off the loans his mother had taken when his father died. And bring her all those dreams she always dreamt. He might have had to step into the ‘real world’ way before his time But he never was a quitter, and was going to fight his way and get all he could reach out for.
This time shall never come back...

They lay down on their backs, with the white sand under them. It was a beauitful night.
“Owe. That one looks like a unicorn!”
“No it doesn’t. It’s a dragon.” He took her hand, and traced out the cluster of stars with her index finger, “ See its even got fire coming out of its mouth! Haha”
“That’s the magic horn! You idiot.”, she shrugged off his hand.
He looked back at her and smiled, that complacent smile that always made chills run up her spine.
“Umm...its getting late. I should be heading home. Actually so should you, my dear astrologer”. She didn’t want to look into his eyes so began gather the glittery stones and shells they had collected.
“No. Stay for a while.”
“OK...I guess a couple of minutes wont bite.”, she winked at him playfully.
There was silence, as the rolling of the waves became louder.
This time shall never come back...

Who is to blame?
The addictive thrill of life?
Dreams?
Fate?
Love?
Circumstances?
Death?

No.
It’s time.

Sweet Surrender?....

2005-04-23T14:01:00.000+03:00

What makes us who we are...
The soul..the mind...the heart..
I often find myself struggling to get an insight into these elements...
Are we prisoners to how they choose to be, or do we have the power to control them....

The soul is created by God..inherently good...I suppose that’s also where your conscience comes from. The soul is in itself independent of us when its poured into our bodies they say....it does evolve over time, how we treat it..our actions..tend to mold it and shape it into the individual soul we tag, as ours.

The mind is the practical force behind our decisions. It prominently pertains to what one must do, conscious of our duties and obligations. In the eyes of the world it is indeed the wise one and always tells us the right thing to do. However the right thing to do isn’t necessarily always the best thing to do, now is it. One might derive pleasure of the knowledge of having fulfilled all expectations of one, however beyond one point these are just duties in accordance to societal norms and our own material well being, and deep down inside appears this streak of resentment.

Sometimes we feel things...and are unaware of their existence. They might just not be too blatantly in your face to be able to acknowledge them. At times we don’t want to believe they exist and adopt an escapist attitude. And sometimes we simply don’t have an explanation for them, for they are contradictory to what our mind and soul tell us. The ways of the heart have to be one of the most complicated ones to understand, yet have the power to change the world if given a chance.

At various junctures of our lives, we often face a dilemma where we have to decide between choosing what we want to do, or what we know we should do. It is most amusing how I often find myself standing at this junction, now quite familiar to me. Makes me wonder whether I have an extremely eventful life, too eventful for my own good, or is it some kind of seemingly sadistic series of events predestined for me, with wiser undertones too follow, that I am as yet certainly unaware of. I do not think that I have in someway mastered the art of steering my life towards the right routes, or have become enlightened by the touch of some fairy dust. Time and again, I have fallen, gotten up, brushed the dust off my elbows and learnt to move on, having gathered to take along with me the remains of moss on my jeans, some cuts, and bruises, to remind me of how I got there.

The mind is indeed the safer option, for it conforms to societal norms and is conducive to immediate appreciation. Going against the waters is not a task fit for all. Only those who possess a sincere cause and motivation hold the power to be able to pull it off. Such are the ones who abide by the laws of the heart. It is unfair to draw these boundaries and somehow try to judge people in attempt to categorize them, for there are always shades of grey, or maybe I simply do not want to believe I’m not one of the latter. Yet something tells me my sky isn’t all dark and cloudy.
One must give due respect to all of these driving forces. They are all apart of us, and right in their own way, a part of them holds their individual traits, a part of them is what they have evolved into as possessed by us...at the end of the day, our part is really reconciling the various contradictions, for which there is no right and wrong, but very a individualistic and subjective a task in nature. Living in this world, and not just living but striving to do the best in whatever you do, one must adhere to the societal set up to some extent. It is not a shallow or weak thing to do, as long as you are aware of what you are doing. The heart is indeed not to be ignored. Yet only when there exists an immense desire to pursue its interest, or strong enough to cause overt discontentment if u act on the contrary, is when one feels compelled to give in to the heart. Unless one possesses the power to take it through, it is not wise to play with matters of the heart, for its delicate intricacies extend way beyond the sphere of explanation.

I still am not aware whether I have waded my way through the swamp and found answers to my questions, for I still feel damp, and cold. From the sight of it, it’s still a few hours from dawn. However I do feel like I know myself a little better, than I did when I walked into this place. We are not prisoners to our soul, mind and heart, for I feel no shackles around my ankles and wrists. However it is not even the other way round. We have a part to play in what we make of them...and once they are there...all that is in our hands is how we learn to work with them.....

I often feel like a tiny drop in the sea...a tiny drop not willing to let itself be part of the ocean, swimming within, trying to find its own waters...the crystal clear, glittery blue ones...do they exist? Maybe not...but the quest makes life worthwhile, aright ;)

Jaded Reflections

2005-04-23T11:41:00.000+03:00

Moments clutching onto time,
As the seconds heartlessly tick away;
Memories floating upon frail wings of wind,
Not allowing oblivious forgetfulness, for not a minute, not an hour, not a day;

Torn, swaying between two worlds,
The anguish of this never-ending tormenting reverie;
Addicted to the taste of the enslaving torture,
Intoxication of that deceptive smile, sweet tears, the pricking irony;

Whispering, music to my ears,
The throbbing of blood creeping through the blackened veins;
My soul dancing upon its grave,
Trampling and tearing down, shriveled petals, hiding thorns beneath, wreaking pain;

Will to lead the life of a corpse?
It is not thy time yet;
Oh why does thy heart call upon me so often?
Cried the angel of death;

You remind me of how I feel around him,
I look back with drunken eyes, pouring within;
My chest heaves, struggling, being engulfed by the overpowering presence,
The caressing touch of intimacy, burning on my skin;

The intoxication fading into a numbing slumber,
I was silently left alone, once again at the hands of my fate;
Beneath a weeping, wounded, scarlet sky,
I lay upon my moist bed of tales, of love, and of hate...

Why do I write?

2005-04-23T06:54:00.000+03:00

Why do I write?
HmmMmm..
No! ...But whyyy do I write?
...erm..
.....I know it...ofcourse I do....I’ll tell you, you smart-ass!
.
OK!...So what if I don’t know? Doesn’t make you any smarter. *ehm*
I’ve always been more of a talker than a writer. Those who know me, know what goes on in my head, and those who don’t, don’t really matter anyways.
Then there are times when I wonder if I even know myself. Times like these when you choose to turn to your paper instead of someone to talk to..*dang* no wonder most of whatever piece of literature, I have bestowed upon this world yet, tends to be greatly inclined towards the *waaaiin!* sentiments..haha
Nevertheless, I am going to write..to discover myself, for myself, and for those who want to know me for who I am, or who I may be.
Sounds quite self-centered a blog no? I certainly wouldn't like to think so. Ever sat down randomly and thought about life? ...The games it plays with us...How that one thing you want so bad, is so different from what you actually do everyday, and right this moment in time? How the same words often contradict themselves in meaning? How you yourself manage to dissolution yourself, and walk into fire, every time knowing it burns? Whether the oh-so-familiar corridors you walk down, feel the same when they are empty, as they do with the faces you see and voices you hear echoing, everyday? Why the sky looks purple when the sun is setting, somewhere in between the silver and turquoise? Why strawberries always taste tangier, if popped into you mouth, right off the bushes?
No? ....
Well I do :)